I miss the way he'd laugh at my enthusiasm for my story; the way he seems to know what's on my mind; the way he does so many things for me that I feel that I'm taking him for granted sometimes...

At the same time... I hate him.

I hate him for the pain he put me through indirectly or directly, intentionally or unintentionally - it doesn't matter anymore; for not being my friend before being something more; for making me feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.

These feelings are jumbled up, a big mess. Sometimes I wonder why I'm holding onto that small glimmer of hope that we'd still be friends after this. That small hope squeezes and chokes and hurts me... but I won't let the pain win.

There are times I hate being optimistic. Aha~

So I miss things. I hate things too. Life goes on though. And I'll let it flow.

Come what may - I'm not afraid. I'm going to stand strong and be proud of myself; for what I can do, for what I'm learning to do, and for what I can be.

自由で何が悪いと言うの 好きなようにしていいじゃない  すべてあなたの思い通りに なるなんて思わないでよ

--- from "Fantasy ga Hajimaru", Morning Musume; 11th album