I miss the way he'd laugh at my enthusiasm for my story; the way he seems to know what's on my mind; the way he does so many things for me that I feel that I'm taking him for granted sometimes...

At the same time... I hate him.

I hate him for the pain he put me through indirectly or directly, intentionally or unintentionally - it doesn't matter anymore; for not being my friend before being something more; for making me feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.

These feelings are jumbled up, a big mess. Sometimes I wonder why I'm holding onto that small glimmer of hope that we'd still be friends after this. That small hope squeezes and chokes and hurts me... but I won't let the pain win.

There are times I hate being optimistic. Aha~

So I miss things. I hate things too. Life goes on though. And I'll let it flow.

Come what may - I'm not afraid. I'm going to stand strong and be proud of myself; for what I can do, for what I'm learning to do, and for what I can be.

自由で何が悪いと言うの 好きなようにしていいじゃない  すべてあなたの思い通りに なるなんて思わないでよ

--- from "Fantasy ga Hajimaru", Morning Musume; 11th album 

EVER.

It's just that awesome.

We did a cover of FictionJunction's "Parallel Hearts", the best opening song every to grace anime.

And also because it's FictionJunction, it's hard to sing. All the harmonies. @.@

Tho for now... we're satisfied with what we have. =3

It's me on melody, and Mika on harmonies.

The (somewhat complete) cover -> HERE

The a capella (which sounds oh-so owhsum too) -> HERE

Last week, I asked a friend - lets' call her L - to lend me her Microeconomics notes so I could cross-check with my own. So I got them notes from her on Monday. The conversation we had went something like this:

Me: Okay thanks. Could I give it back to you on...say... Wednesday?

L: *wide-eyed* What, Wednesday?!

Me: *joined in the wide-eyed-ness* Because I don't think I can cross-check that fast. *thinks* Okay, how about Tuesday?
L: *still wide-eyed* Eh, don't la. Micro has a lot of chapters to study for.

Me: Okay, okay. I'll get it back to you ASAP.

By that point, the gears in my brain were already turning rapidly. How the heck was I supposed to cross-check god knows how many chapters in less than 4 hours? I pondered this throughout our first period and as I was walking for classroom switch.

Then I passed by the photocopying shop. And the thought of: 'how about I photocopy it and explain the situation to her later? I'm sure she'll understand' crossed my mind.

Me being that impulsive person I am, I walked into the shop and told the lady who handles the photocopier to photocopy the notes for me. In an act of stupidity, I completely forgotten about the existence of something called the hand phone that I could use to inform and ask for permission.

I also glanced around out of boredom at this point, and even if she passed by the shop, I wouldn't have realized it.

Later, a stack of papers heavier and RM2 poorer, I continued my walk to the next classroom. I was already prepared to apologize and explain my actions when she stormed into the classroom, towards me, and basically ask-demanded: "You photocopied my notes, didn't you?"

And, lets face it, when hearing someone talk in that tone of voice, it makes you think "okaaaay... explaining my actions now would just make her even more pissed off. What to dooooo?"

So I nodded and apologized in this meek voice, handing her notes back to her. She went on asking if I knew it was rude and unfair of me to do so, said that, and I quote, "broke her trust", then stormed off to another corner of the classroom.

That was fine and dandy and all, so I sat down and thought to myself, "I hope she cools down enough so we can sit down, talk about it, set terms if need be, and push the matter aside". Guess what? I was wrong.

Today, she did her utmost best in avoiding and ignoring me. So I did the same. As the saying goes, "do unto others what you want done unto you", or something like that. It's not that I don't want to talk to her and get this matter settled, but how can I when she's still quite obviously fuming and going all RAGE! at me? She's also using our mutual friends as middle persons to get messages and things to me, as well. Is that fair for them? I think not.

Right now, I am quite peeved, annoyed, and perhaps that bit upset. Why?

I know I'm guilty - I'm not denying it. But hey, when someone copies her quiz answers, she found it in herself to sit down and talk to this person who did it, and swept the matter under the rug. All within the span of two days. And it's already day 2 with our issue.

Back to the topic. The reason why I did what I did was because - she said it herself - there's a heck load of chapters to study for Microeconomics. And my note-making style is completely different from hers. If I just did a half-assed cursory glance-through between both sets of notes in less than 4 hours, how was I supposed to know I got my facts right? She wanted her notes back on that same day too.

What else was I supposed to do? Use my phone and take pictures of her notes? Uh-huh, right, and make sense of itty bitty writing that still won't zoom up big enough for me to make sense of on the computer without getting all pixelated.

Like I said, I was prepared to explain my actions and apologize. Like I said again, she stormed up and RAGE!-d at me before I could even get a word out, and is still doing so today. How was I supposed to sit down and talk with her again?

Don't get me wrong, I actually find her 'stickler for rules, goody-goody two shoes, rigid' personality to be quite cute - and funny when craziness takes over her. But I was going to fess up, explain, and apologize when I saw her, and didn't get the chance to. Again, who in their right mind wants to explain their actions to someone who probably doesn't want to even hear them in the first place?

Yes, I know it was rude - that's why I was going to apologize in the first place. Me forgetting the existence of the handy-dandy hand phone would come off as an excuse; really, who wants to hear that? But... unfair? It's not as if I'm completely using her notes; I have my own notes too.

It was because she wanted it back so fast and so soon when I normally take my time cross-checking that I believed I had no other option but to do what I did. That, and asking her to keep bringing her notes for me to check daily will be tiring - I'd have to check where I stopped, I'll backtrack to make sure I got my facts right... things like that.

So... unfair? I'll leave that up to your personal opinions and experiences to judge.

In any case, if someone borrowed my notes, then came back and told me: "Hey, sorry I didn't tell you, but I photocopied your notes since you wanted it back ASAP and I wasn't sure if I could finish it on time. I'm sorry", I would have chuckled, smiled or laughed and told them it wasn't a problem.

It's not like they stole my answers for anything. If that person was a dead-weight in group projects, then I'll be pissed and RAGE! at said person. But I'm pulling my own weight in group projects too.

I've already decided that when we actually sit down and talk, she can decide to never lend me her notes again, and I'd be fine with that. All I ask is that she'll push this matter under the rug and explain concepts in subjects that I don't understand. Is that too much to ask for?

So yes. She's older than me. (What does age have anything to do with this?) She has the 'stickler for rules, goody-goody two shoes, rigid' attitude/personality. I find this to be quite cute and makes L... well... L.

But to RAGE! at me for so long, and not going to hear me out anytime soon? Wow. How mature is that?

I get that everyone has their own personality quirk, strengths and weaknesses. I also get that everyone does things differently, no matter how similar it is to your own style. L needs to understand this too, methinks.

Honestly, it scares me to think that she'll continue on like this in the working world - a world were backstabbing and talking behind one's back is normal. Should she RAGE! like this at someone who took credit for her work, it would be understandable. But if she RAGE!-d at a colleague who merely wanted to photocopy notes from meetings or something equivalent to that...

Just... wow.

(P/S: I wonder what her reaction was when I was the first to reply that group SMS she sent earlier. I have a feeling she had no choice on that. Imma feeling oddly amused at this fact.)