Welcome...to my world.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
So first things first. I broke up with Andrew. And I'm quite pissed at him, alongside the frustration, disappointment, and upset. Why?

I've been telling people "he broke two very important promises to me". It's a bit more than that. See, how would you feel if the very person who told you "it's not your fault" for the better part of a year (or more) after an event made you mentally traumatized turn around and blame you for it?

It took me days to remotely calm down from that. DAYS. And even then, I still felt like crying when I think about it. Honestly, I still do, but I'm able to control that impulse now. It was - and still is - very, very painful.

I mean, really. Explaining fault for fault is fine with me, but dragging up something that is a goddamned low blow AND emotionally + mentally taxing for me? You have no idea how long it took me to get my mental walls around it again - I'm still getting it up right now.

And while I started talking to him again after I calmed down enough, it does not mean you can use the "opportunity" to get my forgiveness. I told you that I will forgive you when I'm ready. You said that it was okay. So why the heck are you asking me for forgiveness every five minutes when we talk? It pisses me off.

...Gosh damn it, that was one. effing. low. blow. Seriously. I'd have thought you, of all people, knew it. And the "said it in anger" argument?

I trusted you to not bring it up. And you broke that trust. Shattered it so badly that I'm afraid of promises now.

No, wait. It's probably more accurate to say I'm afraid of you. How am I to know you won't bring this up against me again? You can swear and promise all you like, but I cannot bring myself to believe it.

The two promises he broke? He made those himself. One was to never, ever act like a damned idiot I wish to never see again (who controlled me and made me feel like an object). The other was that he would never make me cry on his account. Yup. Completely and utterly broken.

That one year and nine months meant the world to me. I had honestly thought I could be with him forever and not regret it. When he started being overly possessive, I still trusted him to be able to realize it on his own. And all it took for that trust to shatter as completely as it just did were the exact words he said that night.

All the things we went through, again, meant the world to me. But I cannot - would not - be together with a person whom I cannot trust completely... even if I love him.

*frustrated sigh*


Tomorrow night, Imma heading to my house. Finally, after YEARS of knowing he did fire-dancing, I can see the practice in motion. AISHOFHOIHSOUADUIDHSOZIXNHOSGB what kind of best friend am I orz

And I get to play with his DSLR too. 8D THE AWESOMENESS.

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